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Irish Links and Joke Page
Have a joke you'd like to add to the list? Send it here. I'm keeping it pretty tame as to what I put on the webpage, but I'm always happy to hear a good joke whether I can post it or not. In other words, send it, and I'll probably tell it even if I can't post it.
Paddy and Murphy are flying the 10:30 Aer Lingus flight from Heathrow to Dublin. As they come in over the East Coast of Ireland ... the following conversation ensues ... "Sheeeezzz." said Paddy, "Will ye look at how short dat runway is." "You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy. "Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not kiddin', Paddy" replied Murphy. "Right Murphy. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Murphy. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy. "I be doing dat already" replied Murphy. So they approached the runway with Paddy and Murphy full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Murphy put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Murphy and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Murphy, "Dat has gotta be de shortest bloomin' runway I have EVER seen in me whole life." Murphy looked out the side window and replied, "Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin' wide it is."
A
Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves. What do you call the man
In the middle of a thousand Irishmen???
Q. Why
is it so difficult to find any decent pop musicians in Ireland?
A. Too
many sham rockers
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three cold Guinness Stouts please." So the bartender brings him three cold brews and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for the loss of your brother." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I gave up drinking for Lent." Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils. Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there." Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!" The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'" So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy." The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too." Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning." The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left." During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish, I don't believe in leper cons." An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here! Father O'Mally of Ireland decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Sure and you're daft. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you ... Thank you very much!" An Irishman finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of ale." A mug of ale appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Irishman is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes? "The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!" What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture! Did you hear about the two homosexual Irishmen? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked the Mother Superior. The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says Mother Superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent." "All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland?" "No, no," replied Mother Superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well than Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin" What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade. An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said. The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!" Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclamed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?" How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So", says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course", slurs the drunk. "Well", says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening". "I did alright", the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know", says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of the car"? "Oh, thank heavens", sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf". A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is from Limerick to Cork. "About two hours," says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip from Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "it's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!" How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister." Q. Why are there so few Irish lawyers? A. The majority of them can't pass the bar! It seems that Pat, who was 88 had been feelin' poorly for the past few months. One day his son Seamus convinced him to go see the doctor. After a complete exam, the doctor brought Pat and Seamus into his office. "I've got bad news for Pat, your heart's near given out and you've only two months to live." Pat was stunned but after a few minutes he turns to his son and says,"I've had a good long life and if the Lord wants me then I've no complaints." "Let's be off to the Pub where I'm after havin' a pint with me friends." Arriving at the pub a few of his cronies spy Pat. "Ah Patty how are you feelin' today", says one. "Not good Mike, I've been to the doctors and he says I've two months to live." "What a shame," says Mike, "and what's ailin ya"? "The doctor says I have the aids." After a few moments Seamus gets his father alone and says, "Da, it's not aids that ya have, it's a heart condition." "Sure don't I know that, I just don't want them old buggers trying to sleep with your Ma when I'm gone." Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale." A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. A few sips of whiskey.
Not the whole bottle.
Two Irish
farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for
them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for
the SAME price ($1) they'd paid for them. After counting their money
at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money
than they'd started with. "See!" said
one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck." An American
tourist traveling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which
he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint
Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's
authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the
tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any
more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick". "You swindler," said the
American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull,
added, "Look, they're not even the
same size". "You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the
skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad". Paisley died and went to heaven, when he got there he
knocked long and hard on the door. St.Peter came out and asked his
name. YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY HE ROARED
AT ST. PETER. St.Peter looked at his list and could not find his
name. "Sorry," say's St. Peter, "you're not on the list."
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM???
"As a matter of fact I do" said St. Peter, "but your name is not
on the list." "THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I'M A VERY IMPORTANT
PERSON. MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter tries
to explain that its not easy to get into heaven, and that you have to be
a Catholic. When Paisley hears this he starts to complain,
so St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics that he
might have some chance. "WELL" roared Paisley, I'LL HAVE YOU
KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO
I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND AND
2 WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I HAVE
HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER ???
St. Peter took a few notes on what he said, he told Paisley to wait that
he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten
minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley ." HERE'S YOUR TWO
POUNDS BACK, NOW GO TO HELL!!" An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour. "Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks and I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat". "No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time". So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said. "Except you're cat. It's dead"! "oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"! "What do you mean?", replied Paddy. "Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary. So paddy apologized and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again. "All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma - She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!
Sierra Madre business Irish Roadsigns - Seller of Irish Road Signs St. Patrick's Day Online
- www.stpatricksday.com
- St.
Patrick's day site, interesting Irish story behind it, links to sites,
list of toasts and more
Online Irish Lotto
- You don't have to live in Ireland to play and all winnings are tax-free.
The draws take place every Wednesday and Saturday night on national TV.
The Irish lottery replaced the Irish Hospital Sweepstakes in 1988.
"May your neighbors respect
you,
May you live as long as
you want,
May you always have work
for your hands to do.
May God be with you and
bless you,
Here's to you and yours
May your glass be ever
full.
May the road rise to meet
you.
Here's to me, and here's to you, Health and life to you; Here's a toast to your enemies' enemies! When we drink, we get drunk. Here's to a long life and a merry one. Here's to our wives and girlfriends: Always remember to forget Always remember to forget Always remember to forget May the saddest day of your future be no worse May the roof above us never fall in. May you have warm words on a cold evening, May there be a generation of children May you live to be a hundred years, May the Lord keep you in His hand May the Irish hills caress you. May your pockets be heavy and your heart be
light, Walls for the wind, May God grant you many years to live, May peace and plenty be the first
An Irishman is a man who: May not believe there
is a God,
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