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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 7
Submit your joke here A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring." A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?" A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second." So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other, "Where can I get something to eat around here?" The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of flowers and pastries to eat." The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party. A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated belly and a yarmulke on his head. He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!" The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did you convert?" The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I was a WASP." A couple is in their bedroom. The man says, "Tonight I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." She responds, "I'll miss you." Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on. Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation. Why won't melons run off to get married in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe. The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome." Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled. The crowd had cornered a woman and was preparing to stone her. Jesus raised his hand and spake, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd a small woman picked up a huge rock and staggered toward the poor victim. Jesus pointed a finger at her and said, "Stop it MOM! I was just trying to make a point!"
Q. What did the clerk tell Snow White when she complained that her photographs hadn't been developed yet?
A. Someday your prints will come This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples." Q. What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A. The same middle name...... If Men Really Ruled the World... Nodding and
looking at your watch would be deemed an Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend
really needed to talk to you during the game, Breaking up
would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late,
but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable At the end of
the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your It'd be considered
harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned Lifeguards could
remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public Tanks would be far easier to rent. Instead of an
expensive engagement ring, you could present your Valentine's
Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only On Groundhog
Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off "Cops" would
be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the Regis and Kathie
Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. The only show
opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night When a cop gave
you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded ...and finally... Q. Why are birds grouchy in the morning? A. Because their bills are over dew. An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with gasping breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries? I'm very sorry, grandfather, she says you can't have any - it's for the funeral!" Q. What do you call a fly with no wings? A. A walk.
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Q. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A. Because he had no guts!
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck!
Q. Why don't cannibals eat comedians? A. Because they taste funny.
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Q. Why are proctologists so gloomy? A. They always have the end in sight.
Q. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A. Lots of room
Q. What does Mozart do now that he is dead? A. He decomposes.
Q. Why do they put bells on cows? A. Because their horns don't work! This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him." Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments. The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it. The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it. The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits. After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!" The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna make love to it!"
Q.
What do you call a camel with no humps?
A.
Humphrey Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, " Your Grace." The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer.
When he walks into a
room, people say, "Oh my
God!"
Jon was talking
to Larry. "So, Larry, how's
it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex
objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Larry shook his head.
"Whenever I mention sex, they
object." A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to curse at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I've been a minister for twenty-five years. I don't even remember how to curse." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya. Source: G-Jokes list While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there, he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "Really?" asked the tourist. "Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!" Grover from Sesame Street was driving a new bus route taking kids to school. At the first stop, a plump young girl got on and he asked her her name. "Patty" she said and took a seat. Next a disabled child whom all the children called Special Ross stepped on, followed by a little boy whose name was Lester Cheese. Lester took a seat in the back and began picking his bunions. Next another chubby girl got on and since Grover did not recognize her, he asked her name and was told that she was also named Patty. As Grover drove to school he looked in his rear view mirror and began to laugh as he realized what he had --- two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus. A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors: "Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did." The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars. "Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed. "Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it!" Q. If a chicken crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back, what is it? A. A dirty double crosser. Q. What animal took the least luggage onto the ark?A. The rooster. He took only his comb. The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "My dad taught me." "Good! Can you tell me what comes after three." "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says little Johnny. Some Not As Well Known Facts of Life The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking
at an art Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Anne opened a letter from home and found a $10 bill inside. As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, "Don't despair, Sister Anne" on a piece of paper, wrapped the $10 in it and dropped it out the window. The stranger picked it up and, with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day Sister Anne was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a roll of bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the 50 bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid five to one." |
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