A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend

had proposed but she had turned him down because she found

out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.  "Marry

him anyway dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll

show him just how wrong he is."

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been?

I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been

hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the

 ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball

games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"  The one dollar

bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but

he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they

run?" he asked the clerk.  "It depends on quality," said the

salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."  "Let's see the

$2.00 model," he said.  The clerk put the device around the

man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run

this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.  "How

does it work?" the customer asked.  "For $2.00 it doesn't

work," the salesman said. "But when people see it on you,

they'll talk louder!"

You're Not The Brightest Light If....

... you can't remember how to spell "IQ."
... you can't remember the number for 911.
... you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon.
... you use White Out on your PC monitor.
... you fail Physical Education.
... you can not spell it.
... you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!
... you put braille on a drive up teller machine.
... you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
... you think a pigpen is something to write with!
... you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles.
... you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder.

... you frequently misspell your own name.
... you've ever been stuck in a toilet seat.
... you walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade.
... it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.
... you often wonder who Ronald McDonald's parents are.
... you sell your car for gas money.
... you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man.
... you try thinking and nothing happens.
... you think a quarterback is a refund!

... you think hot dogs are real meat.

... people nick-name you Homer.
... you cook Minute Rice for an hour!
... upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.
... you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay!
... you were the one testing out the shark bite suit.
... you get tangled up in a cordless phone.
... you need to be reminded to breathe.
... someone tells you to call 911, and you can't find the 11!
... you take a donut back cause it has a hole on it!
... you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate.
... you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary.
... you sit on the T.V. and watch the couch.
... you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next!
... you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.
... you bronze a gold medal as a keepsake.
... you get lost in your closet.
... you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name.
... you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob.
... you list the police department as a reference on your resume.
... you get fired from volunteer work.
... to you, a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese.
... you run around looking for a quarter to call 911.
... you can't find the "ANY" key on the keyboard.
... it takes you an hour to make minute rice.
... you have to look on both ends to open a bottle.
... someone offers you a bagel and you reply, "No thanks, I already have a dog!"
... you turn the light on to see if it's dark.
... you take your chia pet for a walk.
... you wear your glasses while looking for them.

An Irishman with a bum leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up

to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a

long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar.  "Is that

Christ our Lord?" he asks the bartender.  "Yes it is," the bartender replies. 

"Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too" the Irishman responds. 

They're sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in and

orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus.  "Is that the Son of the Blessed

Virgin?" he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in the affirmative.

"Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too," the Italian offers.  Just then the

barroom door bursts open and a civil servant steps up to the rail. "Gimme

a cold one, bartender," the gov't. employee orders. And, spotting Jesus, he

adds, "Hey, is that God's little boy? Get him a cold one too."  Jesus eventually

finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the civil

servant to thank them. He touches the Irishman's shoulder and says thanks,

and the fellow's leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in

celebration.  Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches

him on the shoulder, and the Italian's back straightens for the first time in his life. 
Then Christ approaches the civil servant, but he backs away. "Don't touch me!"

he screams. "I'm on disability!"

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. 

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just

like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have

anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand

up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your

temperature."  After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,

crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,

"but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."  This started another

round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have

to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"  She

leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his

breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an

hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked

the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you

ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor

confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't."  "Not with a carnation anyway."

A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." 

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I

used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When

did you use this awful language?"  asks the priest. "I was golfing and hit an

incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it

struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight

down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."  "Is that when you

swore?" "No, Father," says the man.  "After that, a squirrel ran out of

the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says

the man.  "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down

out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the

man replies.  "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew

toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the

squirrel dropped my ball."  "Did you swear THEN?" asks the now

impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced

through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a

sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." 

Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the 405 Freeway,

and blocked the roadway today.  State Police are still combing the area.

The Sunday School teacher asked her students to draw a picture of

their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around  the class,

she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she

came across Little Johnny who had drawn a old man driving an old car.

In the back seat, there were two passengers, both scantily dressed. 

"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" 

Little Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he said "doesn't

it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the

96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to

the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"  The 94 year old

yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs

and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is

sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes

her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's

at the door."

....Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

...If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

...Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

...Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both

speak and the neighbors listen.

...When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

...A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

...Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

...Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

...Recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

...A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...

...Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well

but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his

watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.  After some careful

thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the

kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field.

The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning,

one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon.

They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign

that the farmer made.  The next day the farmer showed up to look

over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are

missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove

his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Read this out loud:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.  Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved  his life.  As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.  "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.  "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have  offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."  "You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is."  The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.  That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding his tail back.  The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said: 'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'  'Why?' asked the man.  'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.  A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.  "Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him. "No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.  The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides tobury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.