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Pages - Blonde Joke Page
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A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of
thing. "I'll increase your fee two times," he said. "No, no
thanks!!" "I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my
socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
She was so blonde.....
... She sent me a fax with a
stamp on it.
The blonde waitress at the hotel had a
customer sitting at the table in the dining area,
who said : "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream."
The waitress went to get the coffee, but after 2
minutes came back, saying, "I'm sorry sir, we
are out of cream. Would you want your coffee
without milk instead?"
A blond walked into up to an airport ticket counter
and asked to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?"
Asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled
her eyes and said, "Duuuuuh, back here!"
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as
he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know
why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and
started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey,
I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell
me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and
was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when
she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They
had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's
great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's
more!" He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said,
"Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going
to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon
after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said,
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests
came out positive!"
Q. How do you keep a blonde at home?
A. Build a circular driveway.
These two blonde guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake.
They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that
day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here
tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where
this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints
an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this
X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know
we'll get the same boat?"
Q. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
A. Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!
A Blonde wanted to join an amateur baseball team.
The coach looked him over and decided to give him
a chance. "I will give you three questions," said the
coach. "If you come back in a week and answer
them all correctly, you're on the team." "Fair enough!"
said the Blonde eagerly. The coach proceeded, "Here
are your questions. First, how many days are there in
a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how
many seconds are there in a year? And third, how
many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer?'" Next week, the Blonde came back,
feeling all confident that he knew the right answers.
So again the coach said, "So how many days in
the week that start with 'T'?" The Blonde said,
"Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And what
are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm... OK,"
said the coach. "How many seconds are there
in a year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you
come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.
"Well," said the Blonde, "there's the second of
January, the second of February, the second
of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many
d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh,
that is easy!" laughed the Blonde. "Three hundred
and sixty-five!" "WHAT?" cried the coach. "How
did you get that figure?" To which the Blonde
sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."
Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A. Shine a torch in her ear!
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?
A blonde family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck
they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.
The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back
drowned...it's reported the parents couldn't get the tailgate open.
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign
that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and
after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down
the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one
gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally
made his way to the door. "Well," he huffed, "what do you
want?" "So, like, why can't you ring the bell yourself?"
Two blondes are driving down the road and get pulled over by a cop. The cop tells the driver that he was pulled over because he didn't signal at the turn. The blonde argues with the cop and tells him he did. The cop told him his light must not be working and told him to get it fixed. After the cop leaves, the driver tells the passenger to get out and tell him if the blinker is broken. The blonde passenger gets out and tells the guy when he is behind the car to turn on the blinker. The driver turns on the blinker and the blonde in the back of the car yells out, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes...."
Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.
A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking
up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which
kind of bird?" he asked helpfully. "Oh, I don't know,"
she replied. "Whichever one will grow the fastest."
Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
Q. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Three blondes died in a car crash
trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St
Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one
simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
There were nine blondes and a brunette hanging on
a rope 100 stories high. They had decided that one
of them had to get off. They argued and argued and
finally the brunette said ''I'll go.'' The brunette made
a touching speech and all the blondes clapped.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes make Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little boxes.
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and
his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor
was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she
asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who
appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied.
"You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with
no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What
sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook
made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a
nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example
would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the
nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do
that sort of thing. "I'll increase your fee two times," he
said. "No, no thanks!!" "I'll give five times as much as
you normally get." Okay, said the artist, "but you have
to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere
to place my brushes."
A blonde student was in his college campus bookstore.
Questioning the store clerk about a book for one of his
classes, the clerk responded, "This book will do half the
job for you." "Good," the blonde replied, "I'll take two."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered
from the bartender... Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:
"What is a B and C?" Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
A couple of blonde hunters are out in the woods in the deep
south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The
other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps
to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright,
take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard. The
hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
The blonde reported for her University final examination
which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes
her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin
and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for
Tails. Within half an hourshe is all done whereas the rest
of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes,
she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and
asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour.
But, she says, I'm just rechecking my answers!"
Q. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A. Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
A blonde is driving around in her red sports car and
suddenly gets pulled over by the police. The policeman
approaches the car holding the ticket and pen ready and
says: "Young lady, you've been driving almost double the
speed limit. Give me your name please." "Hmmph!" - says
the blonde looking very irritated "And what am I going to be
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at
every stoplight the blonde trucker would get out of the cab, run
back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several
intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled
into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck
driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door.
The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey
but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the blonde
replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a
10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
A couple blonde guys pretending to be building
contractors pull into a lumberyard. One of them
walked in the office and said, "We need some
four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean
two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go
check," and went back to the truck. He returned
a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"Alright. How long do you need them?" The guy
paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go
check." After awhile he returned to the office and
said, "A very long time. We're gonna build a house!"
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a
that the first class
section isn't going to LA."
Q. How did the blonde try
to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off of a cliff.
A couple was
lunching at a sidewalk cafe'. The waitress looked
like a real
surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair.
Mulling over the
menu, the guy asked her if the roast beef was
waitress gave them a stare and replied, "Well, no.
We have it, like,
just about every day."
Q. How did the blonde
break her leg raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the
Q. How did the blonde
die, drinking milk?
A. The cow stepped on her.
walks into an electronics store and points to
the clerk. "How much is that television
set?" she asks.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk
the girl walks out. The next day, she returns
wearing a brown
wig. She again approaches the clerk
and asks "How
much is that television set behind you?"
replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Again, the girl
walks out. She again tries the next day,
this time wearing
a red wig. She goes up to the clerk
and asks "How
much is that television set behind you?"
The clerk again
replies, "We don't sell to blondes!"
Well, the girl
was kind of suspicious. She asks carefully,
"How do you know
I'm a blond?" The clerk looks at the
says..."Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"
Q. How did the blonde
burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for french
Q. Why does a blonde only
change her baby's diapers every month?
A. The instructions
stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Q. Why do blondes have
see-through lunch box tops?
A. So they can tell if
they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
Q. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off of a cliff.
A couple was lunching at a sidewalk cafe'. The waitress looked
like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and blonde hair.
Mulling over the menu, the guy asked her if the roast beef was
rare. The waitress gave them a stare and replied, "Well, no.
We have it, like, just about every day."
Q. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree.
Q. How did the blonde die, drinking milk?
A. The cow stepped on her.
A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to
something behind the clerk. "How much is that television
set?" she asks. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk
said. So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns
wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk
and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"
The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Again, the girl walks out. She again tries the next day,
this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk
and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"
The clerk again replies, "We don't sell to blondes!"
Well, the girl was kind of suspicious. She asks carefully,
"How do you know I'm a blond?" The clerk looks at the
girl and says..."Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for french fries.
Q. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Q. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
A. So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask
the A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She
tells the A blonde was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were
stupid, and she didn't like all What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask the
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
A blonde was tired of everyone thinking that blondes were stupid, and she didn't like all
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"The first
blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one eye!" The policeman says,
"Well, that's because the picture shows his profile."
He then flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the s
econd blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognize him?" The second blonde
giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman
angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!?
Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of his profile!! Extremely frustrated
at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and
in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think
hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The
policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Wait here
for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back
to you on that." He leaves the room, checks the suspect's
file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile
on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect
does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were
you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy,"
the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because
he only has one eye and one ear."
Thanks to Brittany for this one....
A brunette is standing on a rail road track and is yelling
"23, 23, 23..." Then a blonde walks up and asks why are
you yelling 23? The brunette says "Stand right here." and
puts her in the middle of the train track. Then a train comes
along, and the brunette starts yelling "24, 24..."
A blonde's car breaks down on the interstate one day. So she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who get in position at the
rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin
opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this Highway
occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop,
clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling,
"What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
And she said...
"Those are my emergency flashers"
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because
every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said,
"Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and
screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed,
"Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She
looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious.
You've just got a broken index finger."
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The
blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" Whereupon the blonde
responded, "What else are you gonna name watch dogs?"
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The
doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty
pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after
thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost
twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for
the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last
question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
WARNING PG-13...A guy took a blonde out on a date.
Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where
they started making out. After things started getting pretty
good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do
you want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he
has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and
things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you
want to go in the back seat?" "NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she
even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS
to want it now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he
asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he
demands "Well, why not!" She answers, "Because I want
to stay up here with you!"
Q: Why did the
blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
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