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Yuma Me - Attorney Joke Page
Submit your joke here Q. How do you stop an attorney from drowning? A. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
YOU'RE ATTENDING THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL IF...
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner." A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'" Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? A. Shoot the lawyer, twice !! Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? A. Chelsea Clinton. Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull terrier? A. Lipstick ! Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? A. Skeet. Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? A. Professional courtesy ! Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A. The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures! A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't." A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his condition was.The doctor examined him and told him his heart is failing and recommended a transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yes, but it's from a lawyer, so it's never been used." Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you." After a truly harrowing divorce, the husband took some time off, wandering the western states on his motorcycle. One night, sitting by himself in the ranching town's only bar, he stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, the bartender cautioned him: "Mister, you gotta watch that kind of language around here. You're in horse country." A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him." Q. Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service! Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A. A tick falls off you when you die! Q. What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A. A Doberman. Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?" Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. Q. Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps? A. New Jersey got first pick. A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet. The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possibly compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client calmly opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill from it, replaced it with a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile. A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet!" Things that Sound Dirty in Law 1.Have you looked through
her briefs? A man died
and was taken to his place of eternal torment
by the devil. As he passed sulphurous
pits and shrieking
sinners, he
saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling
up to a
beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to
roast for
all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with
a beautiful
woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the
man with his
pitchfork. 'Who are you to question that
woman's
punishment?'
A man
goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three
identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the
left
costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.
The
owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The
customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one
costs
$1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
knows
how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third
parrot,
to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the
question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest,
I've
never seen him do a damn thing, but the other two call him Senior
Partner." “Five months?” her friend
asked. “That seems like an “Not at all,” she explained.
“The box says 6 to 12 years.”
Two attorneys
went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead attorney
in the road? A. There's skid
marks in front of the snake.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer
to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second
part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of
the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following
steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means
of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
grasp the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes
separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer)
shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner
consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer)
shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light
Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse
of the NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the
option of the party of the first A few
centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was
willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student
struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win my first
case in the court.' Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law
course. When the course was finished and teacher started
pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded him
of the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher
decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them
decided to argue for themselves. The teacher put forward his
argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, the
student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, the student will
still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either
way I will have to get the money." Equally brilliant student
argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I
don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I
don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So
either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!" This is one
of law's greatest paradox. A witness to
an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place
between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually
see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far
away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one
feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap
the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the
accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid
lawyer would ask me that question."
A little blind bunny and a
little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of
them could see themselves, they decided to feel each other and then
describe each other so that the bunny would know what kind of animal he
was and the snake would also know what he was. The snake ran his tongue
over the bunny. "Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose"
the snake said "you must be a bunny." The bunny then ran his paws
over the length of the snake and said, "Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly
and hard .... you must be an attorney! Warning - PG13 (language)
This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his busy
day and went out to a farm and shot a duck. The farmer walks out of
his building upon hearing the shot and screams at the city guy - "HEY You
can't shoot that duck on my property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it
over!" The city guy says, 'Hell no, I shot him so I get to keep
him!" The farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which
is to kick each other in the groin area till the other one falls over")
So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff kick.
Upon receiving the kick, the city boy almost collapses from the pain.
The city boy regains his balance and stutters "It's my turn." The
farmer looks at him and says - "aw hell, keep the damn duck!
A
barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for
the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from
you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the
barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to
the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I
cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the
public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door
to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again
the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for
you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the
barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
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