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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 8
Submit your joke here A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school. One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children. There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good. Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly. The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney. Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins." Q. How does a rabbit make gold soup?
A. He begins with 24 carrots. A man took his St. Bernard to the vet and said to the vet: "my dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up by its ears & has a good look at it's eyes. "Well" says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man incredulously. "No," the vet answers, "because he's very heavy." "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?", the teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" Q. What did one chick say to the other when it found some citrus food in their nest? A. Look at the orange Mama laid. The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctordid was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do to get better Doc?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered: "You can start by paying me in advance." A Catholic and a Mormon Two clergy persons
are on an airplane, a Catholic priest and "A lot better than coffee, isn't it?" Source: Laughshop.com
This
guy was walking along the beach in
Malibu when he came across a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy music soundedso good that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio . . .. . ."Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener" . . . Q. Why did the man go fishing? A. Just for the halibut. A bar patron ordered a Manhattan. When served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this?" asked the man. The bartender replied, "Central Park." Q. What would happen if a dairy cow exploded? A. Udder disaster! Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to evenfeed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." A man goes into a bar very thirsty.
He sits down waiting for "I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know...there are three other companies after me." "Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?" "Well... the electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in Swoooop! - A torso pops out! The bar is dead
silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The Swoooop! - Two arms pop out. The bar goes
wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his Swoooop! - Two legs pop out. The bar is in
chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully "It's the same
old story. That boy should have quit while he was a head!"
This was headlined as a true story, though no reference was sited..... There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "X" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The next week, the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One
chalk mark ... $1 It
was paid in full and the engineer
retired again in peace.
"Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it." One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework." One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was G.W. Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them profusely and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair. Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped?" The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved!" Source: jokesgalore.com Q. Where does a worm go in a corn field? A. In one ear and out the other. "It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied." Puzzled, the boy looked at me, and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" Source: laughshop.com Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe in a balloon. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air" he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland" he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing." Source: GCFL.net A List of New Short Books... A
Journey through the Mind of Dennis
Rodman A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. As he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system. "Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee". He looked up and then resumed addressing the ball again. The Voice again- "Will the Man on the Red tees move back to the White Tees"!! He looked back at the starters shack and yelled, "Will the man on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot." What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him. A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack." Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but slices his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!" Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." Q. If a basketball team were chasing a baseball team, what time would it be?
A. Five after nine. A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it. He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied: "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!" Q. Why didn’t the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A. He was shellfish Q. Did you hear the one about the hot dog? A. It’s one you will relish. Q. What's a bee's favorite song? A. Stinging in the Rain. Q. Why couldn't the Eskimo leave home? A. He was stuck in his ig-glue. |
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