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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 14 Submit your joke
here Q.
Why did the computer need a jacket? A.
Because it kept freezing One
of the most successful inventors of all
time was the man
who
invented the hay-bailing machine.
Needless to say, he made a bundle. Miss
Bee was in her 80s, and much admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The
pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in spring, and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.
She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared a little tea. As he sat
facing her old pump organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with
water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom. Imagine his shock and
surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely
Miss Bee had flipped...or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the
strange sight in her parlor. When
she returned with tea and cookies, they
began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl
of water and its strange floater, but
soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer. Miss
Bee," he said, pointing to the
bowl, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this." "Oh
yes," she replied, "Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall, and I found this little
package. It said to put it on the
organ and keep it wet, and it would
prevent disease." And you
know, she continued... "I think
it's working... I haven't had a
cold all winter!" Q.
Why did the elephants at the circus go
on strike? A.
They were tired of working for peanuts Q.
What do you give a seasick elephant? A.
Plenty of room There
were three men sitting on a bench. Man
1 asked the other two: "What
do you want your family and friends to
say at your funeral?" Man 2
says, "I guess I'd want them to
say I was a nice guy and I took care of
my family" Man
3 says, "I'd want them to say
things like that too". Man
1 says: "That's all nice, but I
want them to say - LOOK! HE'S
MOVING!" Two
fellas are fishing in a boat under a
bridge. One
looks up and sees a funeral
procession starting across
the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and
bows his
head. The procession crosses
the bridge and the man puts
on his cap,
picks up his rod and reel, and
continues fishing.
The other guy
says, "That was touching. I didn't
know you
had it in you." The
first guy responds, "Well, I guess
it was
the thing to do - after all, I
was married to her for 40 years."
A
minister gave a talk to the Lions Club
on sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken on
sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she
ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She
said, "Yes, I heard. I was
surprised about the subject
matter,
as he's only tried it twice. The first
time he got so sore
he could hardly walk, and the second
time he fell off." Q.
What did the chicken do in its turn at
bat? A. It fowled out.
This fellow had
owned this large farm for several
years. He
had a large pond in the
back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, basketball court, etc. The
pond was fixed for
swimming when it was built. One
evening the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond
as
he hadn't been there for a while and
look it over. As he
neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch
of young women
skinny dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of
his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the
pond. One of the women shouted to
him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!" The
old man replied, "Now, don't worry
ladies, I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond, I
only came to feed
my alligators." Two fish are in a
tank. One says to the other
"You drive. I'll man the
guns." Little
Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings
a
box of tampons to the register.
The
cashier looks
at the boy and says,
"Hi. Are these for your mom?"
Little
Johnny thinks for a moment and says,
"Umm,
no." The
cashier says, "Oh. Then they're
for your
sister?" Little
Johnny says, "Naw." The
cashier,
now a bit curious, says,
"Oh. Then they must be
for your
granny!" Little
Johnny says, "Nope."
The
cashier is now really confused. Finally
she asks,
"Well, what are you
going to do with them?" Little
Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure
yet. But on TV,
they said if I buy
these I can go fishing and swimming
and
horseback riding!"
Q.
Why does the sky cry? A.
Because it’s blue. Q.
Why is it so hard to fool a snake? A.
Because you can’t pull its leg. A
woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to
the doctor.
The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the
problem?"
The mother says,
"It's my daughter Darla, she keeps
getting these cravings, she's putting
on weight and is
sick most
mornings." The doctor gives Darla
a good
examination then turns to the
mother and says, "Well,
I don't
know how to tell you this but your
Darla is
pregnant -
about 4 months would be
my guess."
The
mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't
be, she
has never ever been left alone
with a man! Have you
Darla?"
Darla says, "No
mother! I've never even kissed
a
man!" The doctor walks over
to the window and just
stares out it.
About five minutes pass
and finally the
mother says, "Is
there something wrong out there
doctor?" The
doctor replies, "No, not really,
it's just
that the last time anything
like this happened, a
star
appeared in the east and three
wise men came over
the hill.
I'll
be darned if I'm going to miss it this
time!"
Q.
Why do golfers carry two pairs of
trousers with them? A.
Just in case they get a hole in one. Warning
- PG-13 A
kilted Scotsman was walking down a
country path after finishing off a
considerable amount of whiskey at a
local pub. As he staggered down the
road, he felt quite sleepy a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I don't know where y'been laddie...but it's nice ta' know y'won first prize!" The proctologist called, they found your head. Q. Did you hear about the fish that kept getting stuck in an underwater pipeline? A. It was an example of carp-in-tunnel syndrome. A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's this girl I've been seeing." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said - "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education!" A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm their landlord," he sobbed. A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" The patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?" A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far. His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside. He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" WARNING PG-13 Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat." God and Moses were out golfing...They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a doglegto the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it." So God said, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine. Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver. Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it." And God repeated, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK! Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?" Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Tiger Woods!"
Q. How do you know when
a train is eating?
A.
You hear it chooing. Q.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the
ark? A.
Floodlights. "I
had the strangest dream last
night," a young man told
his psychiatrist.
"I saw my mother but, when she
turned around to
look at me, I noticed that she had your
face. As you can imagine, I found this
very disturbing. In fact,
I
woke up immediately and couldn't get
back to sleep. I
just
lay there in bed waiting for morning to
come. Then I got
up, drank a Coke, and came right over
here for my appointment. I thought you
could help me explain the meaning
of
this strange dream. "The
psychiatrist was silent for a minute
before responding: "A
Coke? That's a breakfast?" An
85-year-old man marries a lovely
25-year-old woman. Because her
new husband is so old, the woman
decides that on
their wedding night they
should have separate suites. She is
concerned that the old fellow could
over exert himself. After the
festivities she prepares herself for
bed and for the knock
on the door she is expecting. Sure
enough the knock comes and there is her
groom, ready for
action.
They unite in conjugal union and all
goes well,
whereupon
he takes his leave of her and she
prepares to go to
sleep
for the night. A few minutes
later, there's a knock on the door and
there stands the
old guy -- ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised,
she consents to further coupling, which
is again successful,
after which the octogenarian bids her a
fond good night
and leaves. She is certainly
ready for slumber at this point and is
close to sleep for the second time when
there is another knock at
the
door and there he is again, fresh as a
25-year-old and
ready
for more. Once again they do the
horizontal boogie. As
they're
laying in the afterglow, the young
bride says to him, "I
am really impressed that a guy your age
has enough energy to go for it three
times. I've been with guys less than
half your age
that were only good for one."
The old guy looks
puzzled and turns to her and says,
"Was I already
here?" Once
upon a time, there was a non-conforming
sparrow who decided not to fly south
for the winter. However, soon the
weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly started to fly south.
In a short time, ice began to form on
his wings and he fell to earth in a
barnyard, almost frozen. A cow
passed by and crapped on the little
sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: 1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your mouth shut. Some quotes about marriage... A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not. A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge. A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation. All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor. Q. Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? A. Because he was stuffed. Q. What part of the fish weighs the most? A. The scales
Sometimes it's best
to leave well enough alone...
A
man brought a very limp dog into the
veterinary clinic. As he laid the
dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled
out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the Doc shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, Doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and went, "Woof." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "Six hundred dollars?!?! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" Doc shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..." Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone, part 2....
One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at the price posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir." The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly. Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?" Franklin answered, "One dollar and a quarter." The gentleman was confused and replied, "Your clerk just said it was a dollar." Franklin looked at the book again and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time." A big executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, but I want you to be sure and wake me up at 3:00 am for the stop in Buffalo. I don't care what I say, you just make sure I get off in Buffalo." The next morning the executive woke up in Chicago. He was furious. He found the porter and really gave him an earful before hustling off to purchase a return ticket. After he left, a co-worker said to the porter, "How can you stand there and let that passenger abuse you like that?" "That's nothing," said the porter. "You should have heard the guy who I put off in Buffalo!" A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked..."If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" "In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer. "Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. Q. Why did the casino's black-jack person go see a shrink? A. He couldn't deal with it any more. Q. Why did the magazine editor go see a shrink? A. He had some issues. Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We's on the patch"! I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner. Some one liners: World's shortest blues song: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.
My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have?
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the
gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper.
can't wipe your friends on the couch. every
great woman is some guy staring at her butt! This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years. One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says no. The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?" The manager says, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers." A young woman met her aunt downtown for lunch one afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted by a purse snatcher. "Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!" "OK, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened." A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to quarantine you and put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door." More One Liners...
Hangover: The wrath of grapes. Men invade another country. being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. Q. What do you get if you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A. A slowpoke Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother, after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." A businessman who needed a hundred thousand dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And Lord, now that I have your undivided attention..." |
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