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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 11
Submit your joke here On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." "Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble." "Oh no," her gran replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells (in with the dings and out with the dongs)." She , and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that damn ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive." This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "NO WAY! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies, "24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive." The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive." The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive" A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!" Q. What do you get when you cross hot dogs with bobcats? A. Sausage Lynx A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon. Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drinking: Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate. Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drinking: Nope, no more beer for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants to hear me sing! Q. Why did the Amish couple get divorced? A. He was driving her buggy. A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a wild beast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wild beast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning,
the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, The lion lets
out a moan of pain, lifts his head There were three
explorers, hiking through what is now known SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to
assure the higest levels of quality work and productivity Thank You, BOSS IN GENERAL During training exercises, the
lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered
another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. . "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled
alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, "Yours is." On some air bases the Air Force is
on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side
of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the
tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is
it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft
replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It
makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it
is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it
is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft,
the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it
is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon." Officer: Sailor, do you have change
for a dollar? Sailor: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to
address an officer! Now let's try it again. Sailor, do you have
change for a dollar? Sailor: No, SIR! Q:
How do you know if there is a fighter
pilot at your party? A:
He'll tell you. Q:
What's the difference between God and
fighter pilots? A:
God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. Q:
What's the difference between a fighter
pilot and a jet engine? A:
A jet engine stops whining when the
plane shuts down. Three
Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said, Those are deer
tracks." The second Marine said,
"No, those are elk tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both
wrong, those are moose tracks. "
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them. A
Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves -
the barbers were reaching for some
after-shave to slap on their faces. The
admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put
that stuff on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!" The
chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like." "Well,"
snarled the tough old Chief to the bewildered seaman. "I suppose
after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so
you can come and spit on my
grave." "Not me, Chief!"
the seaman replied. "Once I get
out of the Navy, I'm never going to
stand in line again!" to read that one twice) President George W. Bush, ex-President Clinton and Saddam Hussein were walking along a beach one day when they came across an old lamp washed up on the shore. George picks it up and rubs it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie. The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you, each of you will get one wish." Clinton thought for a moment and then responded, "I wish that all the people of America would forget about Monica and about the money for the pardons. The Genie granted the his wish. Poof! All Americans no longer remembered a thing about Clinton´s problems. President George W Bush said, "I wish for a big wall all around America and that all Americans would think I am smart." Poof! The Genie granted Bush his wish and a huge wall was erected around the USA and all Americans now thought Pres. Bush was very smart. Saddam Hussein thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked, "Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around the USA?" "The wall is 150 ft. high and 50 ft. thick," replied the Genie. "And, nothing can get in or out of the wall." "Okay, then," replied Saddam, "fill it up with water!" A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Democrat". Q. Can music make you think?
A. It made Stevie Wonder Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?" Her mother glared back at her and said..."Don't you dare talk about your father that way!" A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times, all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!" Q. What do you call a perpetual beaver colony?
A. Eternal dam nation. Linda and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems a little troubled and asks her. "Is something bugging you, you look a little anxious?" "Well, my husband just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," Jill, said. "I think he'll miss me." Why some people think the chicken crossed the road DR. SEUSS "Ladies and
gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. During the forced
inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked
the At the funeral
service a few days later, the farmer stood near the Very curious
as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what
Not long after his marriage, Joe Jr and his father Joe Sr,
met for lunch. |
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