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Yuma Me - General Joke Page 5
Submit your joke here Clarence, Billy Bob and Bubba were traveling through Europe on military leave when they came across a strange old town, protected by an ancient stone wall. They were getting hungry, and decided to stop and look for something to eat. A guard dressed in heavy leather and chain mail met them at the gate. "You may enter," said the guard, "But we have one rule here: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished!" Clarence, Billy Bob, and Bubba thought this was strange, but since they were hungry they passed through the gate, and found that there were ducks everywhere! It was impossible to keep from stepping on one! It was only a matter of time when Clarence accidentally stepped on a duck. Suddenly, a troop of guards stormed down the street and carried him away in chains! He was taken to prison and thrown into a cell with the meanest, ugliest woman you ever saw! Billy Bob and Bubba saw this, and were extremely careful not to step on any ducks, but sure enough, it was only a few minutes until Billy Bob stepped on one! Billy Bob was immediately chained to a woman even uglier than the first one; she was also fat, and dirty, and nagged constantly! By this time Bubba was afraid to even take a step! It took him a half an hour just to walk a single block. Suddenly, for no reason, a guard ran up to Bubba and chained him to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She was tall, with blue eyes and long blonde hair, and wore a stunning red dress, all decked out in diamonds and gold! She must have been a princess! Bubba couldn't believe his eyes! "What did I ever do to deserve this?" asked Bubba. "I don't know what you did," said the princess, "But I stepped on a duck!" An unpolished looking gentleman walks into a fancy French restaurant. The maitre d, wanting to get rid of a potential troublemaker says, "Sir, you can't come in here without a tie." The guy argues, but the maitre d is firm. So the guy goes out to his car, can't find a tie, but locates a pair of jumper cables in the trunk. He wraps them around his neck and walks back into the restaurant. The maitre d looks at him and reluctantly says, "OK, you can come in, but don't start anything." A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. "No!" she said rather sternly. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she said again. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" by this time she was fairly shouting. The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" "What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "I might have a word with George?" The little girl was telling her parents about a trip to the zoo with her grandparents and how she saw a very large turtle who approached them. She exclaimed, "He was walking right tortoise!" Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti? A. Impasta Two men are talking at work Monday morning. "What did you do this weekend?" "Dropped hooks into water." "Fishing, huh?" "No, golfing." The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones." Q. What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
A. Sir Render A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!" A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt. One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects." "Well, after all,"said his buddy, "we WERE married for 25 years!" Q. Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? A. He lost interest. Q: When does a woman enjoy a man's company? A: When she owns it! Q. Why are cheetahs an endangered species? A. Because cheetahs never prosper. A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one ofher co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." A man is hauled into court and is being sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does thismean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action. The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said..."Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!" A Stock Report... Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber." An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue." Q. What happened to the two silkworms in a race?
A. They wound up in a tie. Q. Why wouldn’t the bicycles move?
A. Because they were two-tired A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch. An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away. A spark landed on her hand andthe gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down. A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm." An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall". Q. What did the river say when the hydroelectric Engineers began construction? A. Well I'll be dammed! Q. What brand of toothpaste to gerbils use? A. Arm And Hamster. A baby rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behavior on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to run around like its stepsiblings instead of jumping around. As the rabbit reached puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem. It confessed how it felt different f rom its stepsiblings and was much forlorn. Their response was... "Don't scurry, be hoppy." Chevy Lover's Joke A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said - "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case. One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes. The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read..."better Nate than Lever"! A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamt I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamt I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamt I was a Porsche. What does this mean?" "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience." A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner and it was little Joey's job to set the table. But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?". "I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse." He said, she said He said... Do
you love me just because my father left me a fortune? He said... "This
coffee isn't fit for a pig!" She said...What
do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... Why
do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not
with your brains? He said... What
have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? He said... Let's
go out and have some fun tonight. An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, your hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring." So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself. "How did you lose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter. "Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate. "OK", said the clerk, "How did you lose your hand?" "Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand." The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, and noticing the patch on his eye asked, "And how did you lose your eye? "Well, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it crapped in me eye." "You don't lose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk. "But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried. A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. She replies, "Ours is prettier." |
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