|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Sierra Madre Business Web Pages ($125/year, with dedicated domain name, add $50 - Sierra Madre businesses only) Premium Advertiser Web Pages ($250/year, with dedicated domain name, add $50 - non-Sierra Madre businesses allowed, includes premium link placement and logo)
**************
*************
Arnold's Frontier Hardware & Gifts Rambo, Century 21 Village Realty Gem Plumbing, Heating and Air Conditioning Gwen Gordon, Fine Art/Graphic Design Solutions Hands 2 Health Wellness Center, Dr. Teresa Smith, Chiropractor Harlequin Art Gallery and Restoration Moe's Automotive Service Center Redstone Commercial Real Estate Reni Rose, Prudential CA Realty Ruth Richardson, Fine/Portrait Artist
|
Yuma Me - General Joke Page 10
Submit your joke here Some colonial humor.... What would you
get if you crossed the first signer of the What quacks,
has webbed feet, and betrays his country? What did Paul
Revere say at the end of his ride? What protest
by a group of dogs occurred in 1773? What happened
as a result of the Stamp Act? Why did Paul
Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? Why did the
British cross the Atlantic? What do you
call a parade of German mercenaries? What would you
get if you crossed a patriot with a small Did you hear
the one about the Liberty Bell? What would you
get if you crossed George Washington What did one
flag say to the other flag? What's red,
white, blue, and gross? What's red,
white, black and blue? What kind of
tea did the American colonists thirst for? What was General
Washington's favourite tree? Which colonists
told the most jokes? A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner? The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit taken aback at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work, and the women wondered what the bird's reaction would be to him. They got their answer when the bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!" A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?" Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor." Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately." Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!" Judge: "Consider yourself lucky!--It could have been life boy." A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door." A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend?" The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!" (Read it again, it might take a time or two). A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered... "The teeth". An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the
Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand."
George
Carlinisms.... How
come wrong numbers are never busy? Do
people in Australia call the rest of
the world "up over"? Does
that screwdriver belong to Phillip? Can
a stupid person be a smart-ass? Does
killing time damage eternity? Why
doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why
is it called lipstick if you can still
move your lips? Why
is it that night falls but day breaks? Why
is the third hand on the watch called a
second hand? Why
is it that when you're driving and
looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio? Why
is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons? Are
part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Can
you buy an entire chess set in a
pawn-shop? Daylight
savings time - why are they saving it
and where do they
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, "when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" "Yes." she replied. "Do you read your Bible every day?" She nodded her head, "Yes." "Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?" Flight Funnies An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" Part of a flight
attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you From a Southwest
Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest If you shake
up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove twice, Did you hear
about the guy who gave marijuana to seagulls? I saw a dermatologist
about a nasty red patch on my skin. My sister opened
a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. I have to stop
sending jokes about religion. Someone threatened Did you hear
about the AT&T operator who was committed to an asylum... A guy turns
up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation!!" |
|
Copyright © 1998 - 2011 by The Coburn Group, Sierra Madre. All logos, trademarks or product names mentioned or displayed herein are the property of their respective owners. All photographs and videos on this site Copyright 1998 - 2011, by Bill Coburn, Sierra Madre, CA unless otherwise noted. Any reference to the City of Sierra Madre or Sierra Madre applies to the community of Sierra Madre and not the city government. The City of Sierra Madre, California government is not affiliated with Sierra Madre News.Net at this time. Any city government information provided herein has been previously published for public dissemination and is shown here as a public service of Sierra Madre News.Net without explicit permission of the government of the City of Sierra Madre. |
